Saturday, February 26, 2011

How to Cook Cereal..or Not..

How to Fix Cereal.

Dear would be cook and dish-washer.

From the cyberland express, i rush to your assistance to arouse your interest in self-sufficiency. Having humorously invited me to your humble digs in the mighty state of Texas to cook for you, i am left to assume that you are in desperate need of household help. The very best help however, remains at the end of your right arm, again assuming that you are fully equipped for clean living and solvency.

By the minimal observable data provided in your short comment, i once more assume that: A) you are a lost bachelor in state of helplessness, B) a man with a late rising mate, C) a late rising man, raised by a no-cook mother.

Should any of the above assumptions prove off the mark, please chalk this off to the vast geography and opacity of the network. Now we may proceed on a path to self gratification; lessons i should have learned in kindergarten. More fun to try as adults.

Put right foot on floor, if floor is still there, please apply pressure, if leg still there, put left foot close to the right and stand up. Now dash to the outhouse or nearest watering facility.
once voided of previous liquids, pour clean water, clean is the operative word here, into a clean receptacle, drink, it's only water.

With emergencies out of the way, you may relax and chance a peek at the mirror, enjoy the natural animal reflection. Observe the details facing you, any hair growth, change of skin tone, overnight surprises in texture of skin...Good. however you must resist the urge to poke and tease blemishes. Just as in a fruit, any blemish is a sign of life, life is good. Perfection, not so good.

With your daily activity quota nearly fulfilled, you may now attend to hygiene details, no, no, i shall not intrude into your mouth and other personal cavities, of course not. Far be it from a seasoned life coach such as myself to invade the interstitial privacies of a total stranger. This is an impersonal column by a recipe writer from the soft earth in the middle of nowhere.
Seasoned yes, coaching one self yes, thereby ending any presumed teaching principles.

You're not finished yet; so the next step takes you to the room you may call kitchen, cubby-hole or corner closet. Reach for a clean bowl, pan or other clean concave object, hunt for your favorite brand of cold cereal. It may be behind assorted moldy breads, buggy Rice-a-loony boxes or mothy pre-packaged dry goods your family gave you a few years ago. First things first...Do not stir or even open the suspicious bread items or dead pastries, gently grab and run softly to nearest sealable plastic bag, close hermetically to avoid cross contamination of other cereal products. Mold spores affect undernourished and love starved individuals the most.

As soon as you spot the cereal, straighten all items around the shelf, if you have regular cupboards. Now that this phase of your quotidium is over, look at the clock, good, are you late?. Late for what?. Then go to the fridge, go ahead, sniff the milk, gingerly at first, if lumpless and pure white, it still may be digestible-- pour, sniff twice as you have seen the wine tasters do on PBS -- pass under nose discreetly -- make a smug little grimace --add a bit of sugar if you haven't outgrown that rotten molar at the back of your cavities -- do you have a few nuts laying around in the pantry? -- ok, check the chair cushions -- how about dried fruits for anti-oxidants, you know that humans need their phytochemicals to survive this stressful world they have fostered. Ready?

Forget the comfy chair, the zen practice of eating-for-the-sake-of-eating alone would be disturbed by the bodily convenience, comfort is a spoiler of character. Instead may i suggest the plainest kitchen seat you have -- now hold your spine straight -- stretch neck as if a string held you suspended from the very spot on the ceiling above you -- plunge spoon with great anticipation into the liquid ahead -- disregard the strange floating objects in the milk -- as long as they are not brown and ovate -- they may not be from rodent source -- and should they be of insect origin, just consider them proof of the lack of excess chemical pesticide in your valuable food source. High fiber content is what you are concentrating on.

But? I digress, remain ever grateful as the spoon arcs to your open mouth, the gods of agriculture and nourishment are smiling upon the familiar gesture of feeding the creature. Do you feel it? That's it you have accomplished the true art of satisfying self-sufficiency.

Argh! well, i told you to smell-check that milk, didn't i? spit that down quickly, in the bowl, the stray dog outback may be starving again, recycle-recycle, end of lesson in self feeding, so much for the zen of it all. you've been doing great, just peruse recipes for the clues. Have a nice day now!


  1. Poor bachelors suffering even worse bachelor-hood... ": )

  2. Aye, you did tell me to smell-check it. But that was before Nicole fell into the fossé, and it turned into spilt milk.

  3. aie, damocles does have multiple personality syndrome, hold on to that a-x you wouldn't want to get hurt juggling all these swords..i'll send some pigeons to check that milk in the morning..

  4. now what does the adorable kitty in the photo have to do with making cereal? Maybe he's helping the hapless bachelor eat it :) cats like cereal, you know, especially with milk :D